Link's Bad Day - or - In Search of Tylenol
by TheBastard
Summary: Link has a hangover, Mido is gay, Navi's become a druggie, Saria has PMS, and Malon needs Tylenol for her dad. They're made it to the market, but when the suddenly stumble onto the set of a popular British TV show, what will happen? Can anyone say "hoe-do
1. The Quest Begins -or- Beware the Censor!

  
  
  
Brace yourself.  
  
-CAP  
  
  
  
  
  
It was not a good day. It had been a great night, but it had ended up as a very bad morning. Link's head hurt, and Navi was buzzing around it. Wait… there were two Navis now. Damn, Link thought. I must have got really drunk.  
  
"SOLINKWHATDOYOUWANTTODOTADAY,DOYOUWANTTOGOCHASEDEKUSCRUBS,DOYOUDOYOUDOYOU?"  
  
"Did you get into the coffee, again Navi?  
  
"NO,WHYWOULDYOUASKTHAT,DOYOUWANTTOGONOW,HUHUHUHUHUHUHUH?"  
  
Certainly a bad day. Link got up, and promptly fell down again.   
  
"Navi, do we have any Tylenol?"  
  
"TYLENOL,WHAT'STHAT,DOESITTASTEGOOD,CANIEATIT,DOWEHAVEANY?"  
  
Link sighed. Maybe Mido would have some. After about 4 or 5 tries, he finally managed to raise himself. The ladder, however, was a different story. He began to climb down the first rung, but missed by about 5 feet and fell. He hit the ground hard.  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
"DAMMITDAMMITDAMMITDAMMITDAMMITDAMMITDAMMIT!"   
  
"Shut up, Navi. Just shut up."  
  
He got up and headed to Mido's house. He banged on the door for a minute, and finally heard a voice from inside.  
  
"Don't come in!"  
  
"It's Link! I need Tylenol!"  
  
"Don't come in!"  
  
Link chose to ignore that. He swung the door open, calling as he did:  
  
"I'm coming in, Mido, so you'd better SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!"   
  
He was greeted by the site of Mido in bed with another Kokori boy, and they were going at it like rabbits. Navi flew in, and began to chatter.  
  
"HEYLINK,IHEARDYOUYELLANDWHATINTHENAMEOFALLTHAT'SHOLYISTHAT!"  
  
"C'mon, Navi, let's go."  
  
"Wait!" called Mido. "I'll be out in a sec."  
  
They waited patiently outside for Mido to get his clothes on.  
  
"That was a site I really didn't need to see. Especially with this hangover."  
  
Mido came out a few minutes later, still tightening his belt.  
  
"What's a matter? Hard to believe I was gay?"  
  
"Not at all. I always suspected it. That was very disturbing, though."  
  
"Oh. Well, I don't have any Tylenol, but Saria might."  
  
"Why would she have- oh. Nevermind."  
  
And so, the merry crew traveled to Saria's house in search of Tylenol. They reached her house and rapped on the door till she came and answered. She had an angry look on her face.  
  
"What? Make it quick, or I'll rip your head off."  
  
"Umm… do you have Tylenol?"  
  
"Do I look like I have Tylenol, dammit?  
  
"Are you PMS-ing?"  
  
"No, dipshit, I'm PMH-ing."  
  
Suddenly, a rock flew from nowhere and pegged her in the head.  
  
"Dammit, what the f*** was that?"  
  
A larger rock hit her in the back of the head.  
  
"Who the f*** keeps doing that?"  
  
"I do," came an ominous voice.  
  
"Who the f*** are you?"  
  
"I'm the censor," it said, as another rock hit her head. "I don't appreciate your needless swearing."  
  
"Fine, I'll stop, you bas-" She stopped as she noticed a large boulder resting precariously on the top of her house. "You nice person," she finished.  
  
"Nice save," said Link.  
  
"I don't have any dam- darn Tylenol, but the Deku tree might."  
  
"Alrighty. Let's go then," said Mido.  
  
"Hey, did you know Mido was a fag?" he said as they walked.  
  
"That's an offensive term, Link."  
  
Navi had finally calmed down slightly, and began to sing.  
  
"Weeeeeeeee're of to see the Deku Tree!"  
  
Link waved a fly-swatter ominously in front of her. She stopped abruptly.  
  
They finally reached the Deku Tree's meadow, and Link voiced his request.  
  
"Great Deku Tree, we come in search of Tylenol."  
  
"What in the name of Nayru are you wearing?" came its reply.  
  
Link was startled by this request. He looked down at himself.  
  
"It's a tunic- the same thing I wore for my whole life."  
  
"You can't be serious. It looks like a skirt. How can a man wear that?"  
  
"I don't know," said Mido. "It's actually quite comfortable. Plenty of freedom."  
  
"Even Mido? I mean, seriously, he's supposed to be your leader."  
  
"He doesn't count," replied Link. "He's a flaming homo."  
  
"Ah. Sorry, Mido. Well, Tylenol. Let's see… Ah! There's some near my root over there."  
  
"Gimme!" yelled Saria, leaping toward the box. "Wait a second… this is Advil!"  
  
"Advil's okay."  
  
"No it's not! When I need pain relief, I need Extra-Strength Tylenol, not this crap! Who the f*** do think you are, giving me this shit?"  
  
She was hit in the back of the head with a rather large rock, and promptly passed out.  
  
"What was that?" asked the tree.  
  
"The censor. Anyway, gimme the Advil."  
  
He shoved it into his mouth, and felt the pain subside a tiny bit. Saria had been right, this stuff was crap.  
  
They turned to go, and were about to leave the meadow when they realized Navi was not with them.  
  
"Navi?" Link called, turning around. He saw her hovering oddly over a pile of crushed up Advil.  
  
"Whooo-hooo! Hey Link, man, comere! This shit really messes you up, man!"  
  
She was struck by a falling acorn, and fell to the ground unconscious.  
  
"You'd think they'd learn," came the ominous voice.  
  
This was certainly not a good day.  
  
  
  



	2. To Lon Lon Ranch -or- Off the Cow!

It was not a good day.  
  
Saria and Navi had finally woken up, and neither was looking good.  
  
"If that stupid son-of-a-bitch censor does that again, I'll kill him!"  
  
They all stood in silence waiting for the censor to react to that comment.  
  
"What's going on? Where is he?" asked Link.  
  
"Here I am," came the booming voice. "I was on my coffee break, what'd I miss?"  
  
"Well, I said-"  
  
"She said keep up the good work," interrupted Link. He had an idea. It hurt his head to think, but he had it anyway. "Hey, censor guy, do you know where we could find some Tylenol?"  
  
"Tylenol? Hmm…" A long period of silence followed.  
  
"WAKE UP!" shouted Link.  
  
"What? Huh? I mean… uh… I wasn't sleeping! I just had to think hard, but now I've got it!"  
  
"Okay, then tell us where the Tylenol is."  
  
"Ummm… Lon Lon Ranch?"  
  
Link sighed deeply.  
  
"Alright, let's try Lon Lon Ranch." Link looked around. "Navi? Navi? What the… Navi, get away from that Advil, dammit!"  
  
"Wooohooo! Hey, Link, man-"  
  
"I know, I know, this shit really messes you up. Come on Navi, We're going to Lon Lon Ranch."  
  
And so, the merry crew headed for Lon Lon Ranch. The censor joined their party, although he doesn't know what he's talking about half the time.   
  
"Is that your rupee?" Mido asked on the way. Link looked down. A red rupee lay on the ground. He looked at Mido suspiciously, and then bent to pick it up. He didn't notice Saria, and Mido as well, checking out his ass. He stood back up quickly, and Saria and Mido were looking around innocently. Link sighed.  
  
"Let's get moving."  
  
Upon reaching the ranch, they heard an eerie OOO sound. Malon singing, of course. Link ran over to her.  
  
"Umm… Malon? Your dad's laying in the house. He's messed up on sour milk, and he's muttering about Super Cuckoos. I think Navi got into it, too."  
  
"What? Again? I told him to throw that stuff out!"  
  
Inside the house, Talon and Navi were singing "100 bottles of milk on the wall".  
  
"Daddy, I told you not to drink that anymore."  
  
"Whatdaya mean, sweetie?" He belched loudly. Navi belched even louder. "It's purfectly *hic* fine."  
  
Malon turned the jug of milk upside down. Thick white chunks began plopping out.  
  
"Malon, do you have any Tylenol? I'm not having a good day. My fairy has become a druggie, I have a horrible hangover, Mido's gay, and Saria has PMS."  
  
"Mido's a fag?"  
  
"Yeah, he has lots of strange problems. But do you have any Tylenol?"  
  
"Sorry, fresh out. I used the rest on Daddy last time he got into the milk. Looks like I'm going to need more now. I'm sure we can get some at the market. But Mido-"  
  
"Is a fag. What is your obsession with him?"  
  
"I just saw him walking into the barn."   
  
Link's eyes went wide. The two began running for the barn as fast as they possibly could. They could here annoyed mooing sounds coming from inside. Link arrived first and through the door open. He screamed and jumped back, shielding his eyes.  
  
"MIDO!" he yelled. "GET OFF THAT DAMN COW YOU SICK PERVERT!"  
  
Malon came up behind him, and saw what Mido was doing to the cow.  
  
"Sweet merciful crap! Get off Bessie!"  
  
Malon and Link waited outside, turning their faces away.  
  
"What were you doing?" Link asked, when Mido came out.  
  
"I was curious. Turns out cows are better than men. How much for her?"  
  
"She's not for sale!" Malon told him.  
  
"What's with all the swearing over here?" came an ominous voice.  
  
"Mido had sex with a cow." Link replied.  
  
"Holy shit! I mean… umm…"  
  
"Not much of a censor are you?" Saria asked, coming up behind him.  
  
"What? Well… well…" A faint sobbing was heard. "All my life, people always made fun of me… *sniffle* That's why I became a censor. But now, *sob* you're just making fun of me again! Why? I can't win! I'm just a sensitive guy on the inside… nobody likes me! I have no friends." He then began loudly crying.  
  
"Jeez, I'm sorry…" Saria said. "I didn't mean to make you cry, wuss."  
  
He cried louder.  
  
"Saria, it might best if you would shut up now." He turned to the others. "We need to get Mido as far away from cows as we can. We're going to the market to look for Tylenol."  
  
"Fine with me. Let's get moving."  
  
They went back to the house to fetch Navi. She and talon had gotten down to 53 bottles, and then lost count. They were about to begin anew when Link stopped them.  
  
"Navi, we're going to the market."   
  
Navi tried to pick up the sour milk, but couldn't get it off the ground.  
  
"Navi, you can't take the milk."  
  
"Then I'm not going."   
  
"You'll go or I'll clip your wings."  
  
"Yes sir." She began to fly over to him, swaying in the air.  
  
"Daddy?" Malon said. "We'll be back in a few hours. Try not to kill yourself while we're gone."  
  
They left the house and began heading for the stables to pick up Epona.. They stopped when a disgruntled figure jumped from the barn and began screaming.  
  
"You! You're the reason I'm working at this dump instead of running it! I'll kill you! I'll kill you all! Die, you sons of bitches!"  
  
"Run, Ingo's gotten into the horse drugs again again!"  
  
They ran for the gate as Ingo chased them. He was foaming at the mouth and waving a pitchfork above his head.  
  
It was definitely not a good day.   
  
  



	3. Adventures in the Market Part One -or- S...

From the Brain of CAP: Alright, here's the next incarnation of Link's Bad Day -or- In Search of Tylenol. It may not be obscene, but I thought it made up for obscenity in cleverness. Of course, you may not think so, but I do. It's only the first part of the adventures in the market, so stay tuned for more. Eventually. Anyway, enjoy. Wait, one last thing: I'm going to need a fic for the next part, preferably bad, so if you'd be so kind as to submit one, I'd be much obliged. It's going to be severely made fun of, I hope, so just an advance warning.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It was most definitely not a good day.  
  
Link and company had managed to escape Ingo's fury, but had still come up empty handed in the Tylenol department. They had made it to the Market, but due to a sudden, rapid growth in the economy, they had no freaking clue where they were, much less the bazaar.  
  
"I have no freaking clue where we are, much less the bazaar." stated Link.  
  
"Well that's just great, isn't it, Mr. Hero of Time?" said Saria.  
  
"It's not my fault. Mido had the map, and he ran off with that guy who's always slapping his knees. Last I saw they were headed towards the back alley."  
  
"Will you two stop arguing?" asked Malon. "We have to find the shop, and this is getting us nowhere."  
  
"Alright, alright. Why don't we try that asking in that place over there?" he pointed in the direction of a door across the way.  
  
"Wait a minute, how did we go from arguing to going in that door and asking for directions so quickly?" asked Saria.  
  
"The author is completely devoid of creativity, that's how. Now let's go."  
  
The three on foot trooped off toward the aforementioned door, Navi flew rather strangely in its general direction, and the censor sort of wafted, since he has no physical body. Link opened it, and they walked inside. They found themselves in a large, dark room, facing a very large crowd. Off to the side a bit was a desk, and behind it sat a man in a suit holding some sort of card.  
  
"Alright, this game's for all four of you," said the man in the suit. "We're going to play a game called hoe-down, with the help of Richard Vronch on the paino."  
  
"Excuse me," asked Link, "but just what are we doing here?" His question was ignored, however, as the man turned to the audience.  
  
"Alright, we're going to need an audience suggestion for some sort of occupation."  
  
"Plumber!"  
  
"Alright, plumber, we're going to do the plumber hoe-down. Start whenever you're ready."  
  
Piano music began to play, the audience began to clap, and Link and company were quite confused. Everyone looked at Link, who was standing on the far left. Malon, on his right, nudged him.  
  
"I think you're supposed to sing," she whispered.  
  
"About what?"  
  
"A plumber."  
  
"What's a plumber?"  
  
"How should I know, just sing!"  
  
Link began cautiously:  
  
"I don't know what I'm doing here,  
I really have no clue,  
I don't what a plumber is,  
Is it some sort of stew?  
  
I have this bad hangover,  
I need some Tylenol,  
But every place I've been so far,  
Didn't have any at all."   
  
The music continued to play, and it was quite obviously Malon's turn. She began to sing rather halfheartedly:  
  
"My dad got all messed up on milk,  
This gay guy screwed my cow,  
I'd like to say some words right now,  
They really don't allow,  
  
Ummm, Ooooooo,  
Oooooooooooooo,  
Oooooooooooooo,  
Oooooooooooooo!"  
  
Link leaned over to her.  
  
"Is that the best you could do?"  
  
"Hey, shut up! Navi's next!"  
  
"Oh my."  
  
Navi began to sing, in a drunken slur, her part of the song:  
  
"These guys here, They's the best guys,  
They gives me sour milk,  
I drinks it all, and then some more,  
Da da da da da da dilk!  
  
I gots some crushed up Advil,  
But Link hates it whens I say,  
'hey man, this shit really messes you up,'  
I's gonna get some more today!"  
  
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" asked Malon.  
  
"No, but next up is Saria."  
  
Saria began to sing, and the others cringed.  
  
"These mother BEEPing stupid BEEPs,  
Have BEEPing dragged me here,  
They brought this BEEPing Mido guy,  
He's really BEEPing queer,  
  
I have this BEEPing PMS,  
I need some Tylenol,  
So you mother BEEPing BEEP BEEP BEEP,  
BEEP BEEPing BEEPs BEEP BEEP!"  
  
The rest joined in to repeat the last line again, though they didn't much like it, and it was all bleeped out by the censors.  
  
"Errr…" began the man in the suit. "That was… good. I don't think there'll be any points for that one. That's all the time we have for today, thanks to Collin Mochry,-"   
  
He was cut off as a bald Canadian and a tall American stormed into the studio, followed by an American with glasses and a shorter British man looking very, very strange.   
  
"I'm Collin Mochry!" yelled the bald man. What do think you're doing, Clive? Did you get high off that cleaning stuff again?"  
  
"Did someone say high?" asked Navi, who promptly shut up when they all turned on her.  
  
"Who are these guys, Clive?" asked the tall man.  
  
"You mean… they… aren't supposed to be here?"  
  
"No!" yelled the Brit. "Start over, but with us this time."  
  
"Ummm… I'm afraid we can't do that. It's already been taped, we can't restart now."  
  
The four outraged actors turned to the four dumbfounded residents of Hyrule, who departed as swiftly as possible.  
  
"Thanks to Collin Mochry, Ryan Styles, Greg Proops, Tony Slattery, Richard Vronch on the piano, and me, Clive Anderson, saying goodnight, goodnight!"  
  
It was most definitely not a good day.  



End file.
